If you’ve been reading all these days, you can tell that this past year has been nothing short of breathtaking, in ways beyond that I could’ve ever imagined. December is slow, so I’ve had time to sit and reflect on the past year.
As I was sitting and writing, I had ‘Ocean’s 11’ on in the background to study the film structure and editing of that movie. I hadn’t really been paying attention to it until ‘Clair de Lune’ came on. During the finale, after they finished the heist when they’re all standing around the Bellagio fountains, that’s the song that plays over the scene, Debussy’s ‘Clair de Lune’.
All of a sudden I started crying.
It was as if everything that I held in from this year all of a sudden surged up and came forth at once. I sat there and just let it all wash over me. The past twelve months I think I have experienced every emotion in the gamut. It’s been a year that I could hardly have imagined, if you told me every single detail and plot twist I would not have believed you.
Yet, that wasn’t why I was crying.
It was because I wasn’t able to share my life with any of you. More than that, it was because I couldn’t be a part of your lives. To see from afar your joys, your triumphs, even your tragedies and not to be able to be with you all in the best and worst of your times was heartbreaking. There were ‘happy birthdays’ not said but never forgotten and a million other small gestures of love that were not uttered not out of negligence, but simply because exhaustion was the order of the day.
Of course, none of that was anyone’s fault but my own. I’m the only who chose to do this impossible and ridiculous thing because some part of me would always have wondered ‘what if’ had I not. And then in doing it was an adventure of a lifetime, and one that I intend to pursue to it’s end. But to do so I needed to commit the totality of my being and finally after being given the chance to breathe and look back, I am humbled and awed by my fortune and progress.
I think back to how many nights I’ve walked back to my apartment alone under the moon and the streetlights after being released from set at some ridiculous hour, eating $1 pizza because it was the only thing that was open (and that I could afford). The thing that kept me going wasn’t the ethereal promise of a grand career as an actor, but seeing the tiny glimpses of all of your lives. Seeing that the world still turned, that life moved on, that all of you were still doing your best, it gave me strength beyond measure.
I can’t tell you how much I’ve missed the lot of you, and part of why I’ve been writing this is so you could understand why I’ve been so absent this past year. I knew if I was to do this impossible thing, I had to give it a real shot to see if I had a chance. And that’s all we can ask for right? A chance.
So this was the story of my past year laid bare. This is what I have been up to. It is a story that had to be lived to be believed. A story with ridiculous characters, tremendous highs, crushing lows, and yet still held aloft by hope. In short, a year in the life. I cannot promise that I’ll be better in the coming year, but I can promise to try.
I’ve missed you all dearly, and you are very much loved. Thank you for listening, reading, and reaching out. You have no idea how much it all means to me. Be well my friends, and have an incredible new year. Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid.
All the best,