A few weeks ago I went to a live taping of ‘The Late Show with Stephen Colbert’. Colbert is probably the late night host I most admire. He’s witty, brilliant, but most of all when he’s his most vulnerable, he connects with the audience. During the taping, before the show starts, he comes out and answers some questions from the crowd. One woman stood and told him that it was her 30th birthday, and that if he had any advice for her. I remember what he said word for word.
“Whew, let’s see. Be glad you’re done with your 20’s. Your 20’s are a mess, don’t worry about them. In your 30’s you find out what you’re good at. In your 40’s, you get really good at it, and in your 50’s, hopefully you get paid.”
To be fair, that might just be a summation of his career arc, but I found a strange solace in his words. Fast forward to last Friday, where I attended a house party in Brooklyn. Not a party hosted in a house, but a house party as in where the door is left open and people are just free to walk in and out. I left smelling of shitty weed and cheap cigarettes, vowing that I was too old for this shit. So, in no particular order, here is a list of things that I cannot do after I’m 30:
Get pizza after 2 am
Eat more than 2 slices of pizza (I’m having a lot of pizza regret right now)
Not sleep on a bed
Eat something just because it’s free
Get a piercing
Shower someplace that requires shower shoes
Wear anything made of 100% polyester
Let the trash sit for more than a day
Wait to do laundry until you run out of underwear
Eh, fuck it. You and I both know that’s a lie. I’ll still do what I want, when I want, but I’ll make no excuses for it. Sometimes you have a whim, and now I’m going to be 30, it means that I’m just going to go for it giving exactly zero fucks. I won’t make any excuses, and I’ll accept the responsibility, but absolutes tend to bore the shit out of me. Like Mr. Colbert says, my 20’s were a mess, but 30, well, it’s damn well time to find out what I’m good at. So let’s get on with it shall we?