That’s a bit of an awkward title isn’t it? I tried to think of something shorter and more clever, but there’s something to be said for bluntness. As a romantic sap, I wholeheartedly believed in the concept of seeing someone for the first time, and then knowing that you’re meant to be together. This is the story of how I was completely and utterly shown how much of an idiot I was—
It all started easily enough, she was an acquaintance, and we started talking of all things about Pokemon Go over the summer. It was one of those goofy spur of the moment things that you get into, and for some reason we both got really into it, all for about 3 weeks. Call it fortuitous, call it lucky, but that ridiculous app got us on each others’ radar.
It was small things at first, stupid little things that reminded us of each other and made us laugh. Spending nights staying up late and having those talks during the witching hour about faith and fate. And then came the music.
I think talking to a girl who knows her music is one of the easiest ways for me to connect with someone. I had just recently lost my whole music library, so I was in the process of piecing it back one album at a time. Whenever I found something that I thought she’d like, I sent it over, and then she’d send over something that she thought I’d like. And this isn’t the first time that I’d ever done this, nor was it the last, but for me, there’s good stuff that you send to everyone, and then there are tracks that are special to you that you keep to yourself because they remind you of something or someone. It was the first time in a long time that I’d shared that part of myself. Keep in mind, this is still my dense self, so I still didn’t notice what was there.
From that, it became daily conversations and she became my touchstone. I’d be here and there throughout the day, but talking with her, even for just a few minutes would knock me out of my daze. Eventually, she became the last person I’d talk to before I fell asleep. Saying good night to her became a part of my daily ritual.
And then one day, after weeks and weeks, I realized, that this was it. It came like a bolt out of blue and I knew. When I lay it out like this, it seems so obvious, but I just never looked at her in that way. But when it occurs to you that this girl is the first person you want to talk to in the morning, and the last person you want to talk to at night, she matters. And I told her that as soon as I could, without agency or agenda.
The best part is, she felt that way too.
I think we all have this idea about what it’s like when you find someone. You have this dream girl in your head, and you build this ideal up until you don’t think it’s possible that she’s out there. But then you meet her, and she’s absolutely nothing like what you imagined because she’s so much more than that, and most of all, she’s real, flaws and all. It was the first time I’ve ever been that emotionally open with anyone. I had this shit-eating grin pasted across my face. Colors were brighter, food tasted better, all of that corny stuff that you think is absolute cliched bullshit is kinda true. You know that long absence without posting? Mostly her fault. I don’t write well when I’m happy, it’s a flaw of mine. Maybe that’s not entirely true, there have been a few sappy entries as of late, and I wrote them when we were together. I don’t know if I was in love, but maybe it’s the closest I’ve ever felt to it. We kept it between us, because, well, it was nobody else’s business, and we were happy, and it was new, and it was delicate.
This of course, was weeks ago.
Life is as per usual, complicated, and we’re on a break, or whatever the hell that means. The “Friends” fan in me is bitterly laughing about being ‘on a break’. The rest of me is just bitter and a little miserable all over. One thing you learn when you grow up is how to put up a front, and I’d like to believe that I had gotten pretty good at it. The past few weeks have definitely put that to the test, for this, and many other reasons.
I’ve been broken up with, I’ve broken up with people, and I’m used to that. I usually just drown it out with work, writing, friends, and the next girl. Moving on isn’t usually a problem, except this isn’t a usual girl. This time I lost the person that was my confidante, the person who I went to when I needed someone. And maybe I used her up too quickly, maybe I needed someone too much during that time, I don’t know. The past few weeks it just feels as if I’m adrift. I don’t sleep well, and since then, I’ve slept even worse.
I still remember, the worst part of it the few days after was waking up. Every morning I’d open my eyes, and somewhere between hitting the snooze button and walking to the kitchen I’d remember that I didn’t have her anymore. I guess that’s how my mind works. That 30 seconds where my brain reboots after I wake up still kicks my ass. The worst days are when she appears in a dream, and is just there, and I wake up, and just like that she disappears. I’ve been trying to give her space and give myself space, but I’m utterly failing because even before whatever this was happened, we were friends, and now, I don’t think we even have that.
So I write, I go out, I keep myself occupied. This 30 posts in 30 days for my 30th birthday was an idea that I already had, but I’ll admit it’s definitely helping. I don’t know where it goes from here. I’d like to tell myself that it gets a little better each day, but I’m not entirely sure of that either. I want to fight for it, but I don’t know how. I don’t know if I’ll make it worse, make it better, or just make it into nothing at all. That’s the scariest part, the possibility that it just fades into the ether, that I’ll just forget about her, forget about whatever this is.
I don’t know how she feels, maybe I don’t even know how I feel and that’s the way it has to be right now. And so it’ll get a little better, day by day, and I don’t know if it’ll work out, but I have to hope that it does. Everything runs a little better on hope. But if anything, I’ve learned that love at first sight doesn’t exist. It takes time, it sneaks up on you, and when you’re ready, you’ll know.
And that’ll have to be enough for now.