Ah! si tu savais
Ce que tes yeux me disent–
I don’t like being blindsided. I enjoy being ahead of the curve, of being just that much more perceptive than most. But sometimes a realization hits you like a bolt of lightning. You always think that you know who’s important in your life, and who you can count on. But, every once in a while someone slips by you. It started as something simple, something fun and relaxed. We talked about random shit that would pop up, make each other laugh, share music with each other. All things that are important to a genuine friendship.
And then we had one of those talks. Those talks after midnight, where everything takes on a larger-than-life feel. I don’t think we can really be close until I’ve had one of those with you. There’s something life-affirming and wondrous about words exchanged during the witching hour. No matter how tired you are, or how you drift in and out of consciousness, every memory is somehow seared into your brain.
That was it for a long while. We would share spontaneous outbursts where we would go on at length about something that we were passionate about, or just something we saw randomly on the street. At a certain point, she would tease me incessantly about my bad habits, and mostly needle me about going to sleep at a decent hour, all things that I normally hate, but for some reason I didn’t mind.
All of a sudden this weekend, I just realized that somewhere along the way, she wandered into my life and made herself a part of my day. I realized that if I hadn’t talked to her, something would feel just a little off, something just a little bit amiss. Talking to her wasn’t just a way to escape the ennui, it keeps me grounded. For a quite some time, I’ve been feeling that I was adrift, and in some way talking with her became a touchstone. She was, and still is my way back from whatever foggy recess in my mind that I’ve been going to.
And I know that no one wants to hear about some co-dependent nonsense, but I’ve actually needed some reassurance the past few months. There are a multitude of mitigating factors in my life right now buffeting me around, and I know that’s the case for most people, but she has somehow become an eye in the storm. She accepts me for who I am, but she also makes me want to be a better person. Not to be a better person to be worthy of her, but a better person to be worthy of myself. I need that, and I think everyone needs that. Somehow and some way I missed this woman standing right in front of me. I’m blindsided and frankly I’m a bit dumbfounded as to how I’ve missed something that I’ve needed so badly for a long time.
Now that I realize what I have, I’m at once thankful and fearful, afraid that she’ll realize that she wandered into something she shouldn’t have. But the better angels in my head shout those demons down because she’s right there in front of me. And for the first time in a long time, those angels have a chance, because of her. That’s all we really want, to give our better selves a fighting chance.
So here we go.
Picture Credit: Allison Huresky