I’ve been alone for a long time now. Not lonely, but alone. I’ve gotten really good it. You know exactly what your routine is, how long everything takes, and precisely what you need to do to take care of yourself. At a certain point, you become very honest with yourself, and even call yourself out on your own shit. All of that is good, it can lead to a lot of self-improvement, but just notice that everything I say has a lot of “self” attached to it. And that’s the thing, you get used to the space that you need to feel normal, and you keep people that you meet in a very specific orbit, even those close to you.
When I was out Friday night in Times Square looking for a burger and women’s underwear (it’s a long story, for another time) I was asked by someone how I could be lonely when I’m surrounded by so many people. It’s one of those old things right, where you can be surrounded by people and still feel lonely, and just because you’re alone doesn’t mean that you’re lonely, She then asked me if it was because my family was far away, and the answer is no. My sister lives in the city, and my parents live in Jersey.
For some people, their default state is happy, which is great, but I definitely can’t say that about myself. I think that my default state is melancholy. It’s not that I’m depressed, it’s just where I fall naturally. It’s funny though, I was talking to a friend about meditation, and it puts her at ease silencing her mind. For me, it’s just the opposite. Whenever I feel alone, I usually walk to Times Square, Central Park, or even just up Fifth Avenue. I don’t need to hear my own thoughts, I already hear those loud and clear. No, I like being in the crowd of things, and for a while, I just take off my headphones and listen. I listen to the snippets of conversation, the laughs, the noise of the city, and that breaks me out of my melancholy. It’s almost reverse meditation in sense. It pulls me out from my own orbit and puts me back on the ground, which I need every once in a while.
Eventually though, I’ll find that girl who I want to be a part of my life. The question for me, as someone who’s so used to being alone, how is that even going to work? When will I see ‘we’ instead of ‘I’. These are things that I’ve never dealt with, and I’m absolutely not used to. Of course, all of this is in the hypothetical, but as anyone who reads this blog knows, I’m prone to overthinking.
Who knows though, these are just the ramblings of someone who’s solo.