Black people are second class citizens in the United States. If you don’t believe that, then you have not been out in the world. Slavery is America’s original sin. It was black people, then the Irish, then the Chinese, then the Italians, then the Hispanics, and every time whoever is in power profits. Guess what, even today I enjoy the fruits of nameless laborers who work for pennies. If you complain about your life, just go out and actually see what people go through just to survive.
I’ve been alone for a long time now. Not lonely, but alone. I’ve gotten really good it. You know exactly what your routine is, how long everything takes, and precisely what you need to do to take care of yourself. At a certain point, you become very honest with yourself, and even call yourself out on your own shit. All of that is good, it can lead to a lot of self-improvement, but just notice that everything I say has a lot of “self” attached to it. And that’s the thing, you get used to the space that you need to feel normal, and you keep people that you meet in a very specific orbit, even those close to you.
“When I counted up my demons, saw there was one for every day…with the good ones on my shoulders, I drove the other ones away…”
Whenever people say, “All I want to be in life is to be happy,” I kind of put an asterisk next to their name in my head. I think everyone wants to be happy, that’s pretty much a given. No one that I know goes out determined to be miserable. The ‘happy’ part isn’t the problem, it’s the ‘all I want’. When it comes down to it, happiness is a selfish pursuit. Being happy because you want to feel good all the time just sounds empty. For the first twenty-two years of my life, this is what I subscribed to. I believed that happiness, bliss, was my goal, and that, in fact, I deserved it. Shouldn’t happiness be everyone’s right? Surely it should be mine. Every obstacle, every impasse that stood between me and my happiness was someone else’s fault. On the rare occasions where I knew that I screwed up, I always told myself that there would be a next time, that it wasn’t that bad, that somehow it will all work out.