So I joined OkCupid. I’d like to tell you that there is some compelling reason, some competition, or this was for “research”. Nope, just to meet women. I’d also like to tell you that OkCupid is some simple site where you can meet up with people that you match with and that the filter and match algorithms they use are great, except I can’t.
These are some things I’ve learned in the few weeks I’ve been on OkCupid
– Stupidity is rampant
When you sign in, you get a quick scroll bar of recent women who joined the site (since I chose that I wanted to meet women). Regardless of when I sign in, inevitably, I always see a dude in that bar. That means that in the most basic steps of signing up, you literally have to choose what gender you are, and what gender you are seeking. That means that somehow they messed up one of two basic questions. Either that, or the sinister gay cabal is trying to lure unsuspecting straight guys into their web of fabulousness. The former should be eliminated from the population for intelligence reasons, the latter, I’m not stupid enough to speak out against the gay cabal.
– Live, Laugh, Love
I swear, 20% of every girl’s profile has either this exact phrase in it, or the same phrase punctuated by emoticons. When I see this combination of three verbs, I know that this profile will lead to no good. I don’t know exactly where people started picking this up as a thing, but 90% of the time with these women, it just tells me that they have zero ambition in life and simply want to lay out on a beach and read ‘Eat, Pray, Love’ as if it was their bible.
– Group pictures are traps
If their only picture is a group picture, you can bet that she’s not the most attractive girl in the picture. It’s never the one you hope.
– Women will not message you
This is true for the most part of any dating site. I guess old conventions die hard, men are still expected to do all the approaching.
– Apparently, saying “Hi” is for assholes
This is my only move when I meet people. I say hi, and then I strike up a conversation on the ensuing response, usually with input from the other party. Apparently, this is not the expected mode of communication on OkCupid, I’m supposed to go on a diatribe professing my interest and convincing you to message me back. Apparently not launching into a monologue makes me an asshole.
– % Match doesn’t mean shit
I’ve matched with someone 98%, and I’ve matched with someone 64%. You know why I’m still talking to the girl with a 64% match, because she’s incredibly cute. At the end of the day, all this information is just a farce. If you see a picture, you judge that first, and then you click and hope their profile isn’t too insane. I say this because most men will still message women if they’re insane, but hot.
In short, OkCupid is a special sort of hell. Truly, truly special. However, this shit is hilarious. Hijinks and updates will be coming, all documented right here. Stay tuned folks.