I remember the first time that I had my breath taken away. She walked in and it seemed as though seconds became minutes. It wasn’t just me either, it was as if the whole room was drawn to her. She didn’t walk, she glided toward the center of the room, and the room stared as if there was a spotlight on her. Literally breathtaking, not figuratively, literally. When I finally closed my slightly agape jaw, I tried to shake that brunette visage of perfection from my mind, but she just stayed there, and I absentmindedly glanced back a few times without realizing it until it was too late.
That was the first time, and it wasn’t the last time. But as I got older, I tried harder and harder to steel my heart against that. I used to be dumbfounded by beauty, and I’ve learned through experience to ignore it and not let my guard down. Fool me once shame on you, fool my twice shame on me. The truth is that I want to date someone that I find attractive. I don’t think that’s a bad thing, but it’s the truth. Yes, personality and all of that matters, but I don’t think I could ever be with someone that i don’t find attractive. Yes, I’m vain, but I think everyone is. No one wants to look bad, and I think everyone wants to be thought of as attractive.
I’m not ugly, but I know I’m not pretty either. I think I’m decidedly average looking. Like it or not, being pretty helps, almost as much as being ugly hurts. That’s the truth. It is an awful fact, but it’s the truth. Being pretty is just another attribute just one that people can see immediately. I always wondered what it would be like to be pretty, to have people see you immediately, to be known. To have people treat you differently because of the way you look, I always wondered what it would be like. They say that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and I agree with that, so I guess maybe that’s happened to me, or someone has thought I was one of the ugliest things to ever exist in the history of the planet, that’s anyone’s guess.
I keep going through the thought; do I want the women I’m with to think I’m physically attractive? I think it’s obvious that looks aren’t the only thing that keep a relationship going, but if someone was with you for everything in spite of your looks, how would you feel? ‘In spite of’, that’s a powerful phrase. That means she would love you for everything else except your looks, and deep down, I don’t think I could be okay knowing that truth. That may betray my own insecurities, but it’s honest. I want to be with someone that I find attractive, and I want her to find me attractive. Yes, attraction is so many things, but I want that. She doesn’t have to be breathtaking, but I need to be drawn to her. You can call me vain, you can call me shallow, but that’s my truth.
So, do I want to be pretty, handsome, or whatever you want to call it? Of course, but I’m not delusional, and I would never go under the knife to change my appearance. When you look at my face you see that I’m the child of my mother and my father. When you look into my eyes, you see how I lived, and what I’ve seen, and what I’ve experienced. Every scar and imperfection defines me, and I want someone out there to think that it’s all beautiful.
And I want to be with someone who’s beautiful as well. That’s all.