I never got those love songs about men being overwhelmed by a woman, where all of a sudden it consumes him. Layla (by Derek and the Dominos) is one of those songs, with one of the most iconic hooks in rock history. The list however, goes on and on. I always thought that those men were so pathetic. Sure, have I maybe felt that way when I was younger, but I blame that on stupidity, hormones, and well, more stupidity. I’ve spent most of my adult (post-college) life learning about control and discipline. Hearing those songs, no matter how good they were, always had me silently shaking my head, thinking, what kind of man would throw away his dignity for a woman.
And then I met her.
You can tell me I have control issues, you’re probably right. I have a deep set need to understand everything that goes on around me. Since meeting her, she’s just taken that and thrown it out the window. This is not unrequited love, this is not cute, this is not romantic, it’s something else entirely. I have no power or control over it. When I’m with her, it’s like I’m on a bender. She’s intoxicating, in every single sense of the word. And then afterwards, I hate it. I hate how I lose any semblance of control when I’m with her. I hate how I can’t think straight when I’m around her. Most of all, I hate how regardless of how much I can swear up and down that I want to control it, deep down, I know that the next call, the next text, I’m 100% willing just to get lost with her again. It’s like a drug, but a drug that will caress, talk, seduce, whisper, and will unwittingly lure you back in no matter what you do.
What’s the phrase that they use in AA, “A power greater than ourselves will restore us to sanity”? At this point, I think that’s all I can hope for. She has no idea, but she can probably play me like a puppet. I don’t know whether she’s playing me or not, what her intentions are with me, or whether she’s a good person or a bad one. I don’t care, at all.
She smiles, I waver.
She glances, I weaken.
She whispers, I follow.
I hate it.
But I don’t care.