If you ever take a look back at what you wrote when you were younger, or really, anything that you did when you were younger, you kind of wince. Luckily, or unluckily as the case may be, Facebook Notes used to be a thing, so my thoughts were stored for posterity. So, this is a look back at one my posts in college, years ago unedited, full of piss, vinegar and arrogance. Commentary will be [bold and in brackets].
There are a lot of guys who claim that the reason for their romantic woes is that they in fact are ‘nice guys’ and that chivalry is dead. For the longest time, I was one of them, blaming my lack of a significant other on the fact that girls don’t go for ‘nice’ and for some random reason love douches and assholes. [Glad that change is one I stuck with.] I wanted to believe that being nice was not mutually exclusive to having a girlfriend. However, as time went by some self-pity kicked in [Indeed a truthfact.] and I convinced myself that it was something wrong with society and culture that chivalry has gone to the wayside [Like many of our politicians!]. Then, for some unknown reason, I actually started to think instead of laying the stereotypical and easy blame. [Ah yes, behold the magnificence of my college brain.]
Ask yourself, as a nice guy, when was the last time that you actually asked a girl on a date. Not to ‘hang out’, not as some ambiguous ‘is it, isn’t it’ date, but an actual date. [It has been a long while since I’ve been on an actual date] Or hell, when was the last time instead of fantasizing in your head about what could be or what should have happened you actually did something about it? [Oh college me, so much misplaced confidence.]
I guarantee you, 9 times out of 10 you just sat on your ass. [Great use of completely made up statistics there. Especially with ‘guarantee’.]
So here it is, if you’re a nice guy, what do you really believe? Do you believe that for the reasons that you’re nice and you treat women with respect that you automatically deserve someone? [This is something I want to get into a bit later] Isn’t that a bit arrogant? Or is it that you’re simply too lazy to do something about it. [This is NOT something I want to get into a bit later.] Maybe you just like saying that your niceness is standing in the way of your romantic bliss because it’s an easy and ready excuse. Or is it that you’re just that shy and awkward when approaching a girl. [Wow, what a dick.] Think about it.
In my experience, I have never heard a girl say, “Oh, I didn’t like him because he treated me with respect” or “Oh, he’s nice. That completely turns me off.” Can you remember a time when someone has said that? Honestly ask yourself that. [Fact: I had a conversation with a woman who described a rape fantasy to me. What. In. The. Actual. Fuck.]
That being said nice guys, get up off your asses. [Who was I trying to be here exactly?] You can google hundreds of inspirational quotes essentially telling you to take a shot because if you don’t, you’ll always fail. [Or nowadays, find a meme to do it] Just do it. If you’re shy, keep plugging at it. Sitting, waiting, and wondering only compounds the problem. If you don’t want to go after someone, then say so, don’t use an excuse, and don’t think for one second that just because you’re nice you simply deserve someone. [It’s good that I still like certain sentences that I wrote] In fact, you’re such a catch that women should be tripping over themselves to get to you. That is in fact the height of arrogance, and then if you think about it, are you really that good of a guy? [Sigh.]
Most of you who know me (and I hope that if you’re reading this note that you do) know that I subscribed to this whole ‘chivalry is dead’ credo wholeheartedly. [SIGH.] Call me a hypocrite, call me whatever, but what I’ve written is what I think, at least of late. Identifying niceness as a crippling personality trait is kind of ludicrous, especially when you use it as an excuse to cover whatever flaws or insecurities that you have. [Agreed.] It’s a hard pill to swallow, but when you do take that step, it’s kind of liberating. That being said, for all you nice guys, take a moment a top your high horse and just truly ask yourself if this bold and sweeping credo that you swear by is actually valid. [Because of course, I can and should make you question your world view] If you honestly do believe it, please tell me how you convinced yourself of this. If you can’t, get off the saddle. I mean, I don’t think saddles are that comfortable anyways. [What was this, a horse riding joke?]
Well, that was fun. I’d like to think that somewhere along the way I became a better writer, but I guess in a few years I’ll take a look back at this blog and see where things are. The funny thing, all the bravado and cockiness aside, I still stand by the sentiment of what I wrote. I really can’t stand the notion of the “friend zone”. This idea somehow sprang up that because you’re a decent human being and you’re treating a member of the opposite (or same) sex with respect and kindness, you’re somehow owed their desire for you. If the only reason why you’re being good to someone is so you can get into their pants or be in a relationship with them, I think you need to re-evaluate how you view friendship in general. It’s not a means to an end, and if the only people you’re decent to are the people you want to sleep with, well, that’s incredibly depressing. If there’s one stupid dating construct that needs to die a quick and unmerciful death, it’s the “friend zone”. Be forthright and honest if you want to be, but in no case should any one be owed anything out of a courtship. Fucking ridiculous. If you want to be with someone romantically, put yourself out there. If it’s romance or nothing, fine, but don’t feign friendship, it’s a shitty thing to do.