Stop F#cking Swearing (A Gentleman’s Guide to Profanity)
My mom always taught me not to swear. Even if I said something like, “This sucks” earned me a quick rap on the back of my head. Forget about any true profanity. To this day my language is as clean as a whistle in front of my mother. However, that doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to curse like a sailor. I like to think of my use of profanity as an exercise in creativity and vitriol. Key phrases such as ‘clusterfuck’ have made its way into my lexicon. They say that, “Profanity is the use of strong words by weak people.”
My response: Go Fuck Yourself.
I myself think that a gentleman can still curse, but there are simply rules to follow….
1. Avoid Cursing in Front of Women
I feel like this rule is pretty self-explanatory. I know we’ve come a long way in the women’s lib thing, but this isn’t a fairer sex argument. This is just that having a potty mouth isn’t exactly an attractive quality in a man.
2. Don’t Take Yourself Too Seriously
Swearing when you actually mean it is a bit intense. On the other hand, a few profanities here and there jokingly used can be incredibly comedic. Just like most things in life, when you don’t take yourself too seriously, things aren’t too bad.
3. Don’t Swear Angrily in Public
There’s nothing more off-putting than someone getting frustrated or angry in public and then taking it out on everyone there. I get it, your favorite sports team blew the big game. Take it in stride buddy. But more importantly, when it’s something personal, try to keep it that way. There are more healthy ways to deal with it than swearing up a storm.
4. Don’t Make It Personal
Words have power, tones have power. The phrase ‘fuck you’ in itself is pretty harmless. You can use it jokingly, but you can also use it to hurt, to drive a knife in. If you want to insult someone, hurt them, that’s your prerogative. No one can really stop you, but you should watch the words you use. Some of them you can’t take back, and you sure as hell shouldn’t do it in public.
5. Do You Kiss Your Mother With That Mouth?
One of the oldest quotes in the book, but so true. I think most of the population drops an f-bomb here or there, but there is such a thing as too much. Expand your vocabulary, read a newspaper or something. Wit trumps profanity, as does a diverse vocabulary to hurl insults at your TV.
But I guess Mark Twain said it best:
Under certain circumstances, urgent circumstances, desperate circumstances, profanity provides a relief denied even to prayer.
Fuckin’ A man. Fuckin’ A.