I remember in middle school, my concept of patience was waiting until the next week for my allowance to come so that I could get an action figure. I thought that was the end all/be all of my ability to be patient. Anything past that was beyond my point of human endurance. Obviously, as I got older, that threshold gets put further and further out.
I’ve never been a particularly patient person. I believe there are two types of impatient people, and I’ve been both types. The first type, they’re impatient, and they’re lazy. Whatever they want, if they don’t get, they give up on it. The second type, they’re impatient, but they are willing to go and get it, so they leap at the first opportunity to do something, regardless of correct timing.
Now, the latter sort of impatient, that can serve you well in a lot of things, and as I’ve shifted to the latter, it has definitely served me well, and at the same time it has also gotten me into trouble. Going out and getting something, that’s fantastic, except when it comes to dealing with people, romance in particular.
For better or worse, I tend to crush a lot, and I know that about myself, which is why I usually keep my mouth shut and eyes glued to the horizon most of the time. However, I also know that if those feelings linger for a few months, and don’t dissipate after having a long conversation with the girl, that I’m on the line. You can say that I’m still too young to know what I want, but I know. I know that if I can talk to her about the vagaries of life, if I respect the way she thinks, if she can make me truly and genuinely laugh, I know. It’s not hard.
The trick is though, getting her to feel the same way, or at least be willing to take a chance. I’ve almost always rushed headlong into things, because I’ve always wanted to know. I loathed the idea of this “does she, doesn’t she” dynamic. I want to know, definitively. I need to either move on, or commit. Impatience to the extreme. That was my MO for a long time.
It’s funny though, the more invested you get in someone the more you want it to happen, and the possibility of a definitive no gets harder and harder to swallow. So, at the end of the day, is it patience or fear that is keeping me from finding out for sure? I don’t know for sure but I’d like to believe that it’s patience. Patience, especially when it comes to this sort of thing, has to be based in hope. Hope that something better is around the corner, that the waiting has a payoff. I think that hope trumps the fear of rejection, and while that fear is there, that hope overrides that fear as the primary driver of what I hope is a patience that comes with maturity.
Doesn’t mean I like waiting though.