How To Buy Condoms (or Things They Should’ve Taught You in High School)
At a certain point in your adult life, you’re faced with a stark realization that you’re probably going to have sex. Now, I can only write this from a male perspective, but I can say that 99.99% of the time this is a good thing. I leave the .01% out there for some unforeseen circumstance, but as my RA once so poignantly said, “Sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad, it’s pretty good.”
Now, I’m assuming that the brain still has some control over your prime biological directive and that some sort of family planning or just logic dictates that you don’t want mini-me’s running all over the place, mostly because it would really cut down on your galavanting around time. This means that you need to procure some contraception. This pretty much means that you’ll have to go out in public, and perform one of the most odd deeds in today’s modern society. You’re basically going to announce to a complete stranger, that yes, you, will be intending to have sex.
This frankly, is the shit they need to teach you in high school, these fairly basic social interactions that will pepper your normal adult life, but if you’ve never even considered the notion, will absolutely terrify you.
So, these are my painfully learned rules on how to buy condoms, for the purposes of edification, but mainly for comedic effect..
Rule #1: Never Buy Just the Condoms.
Always, just always buy something else in addition to the condoms. You can spare the 25 cents for a pack of Juicy Fruit. At least that way the person ringing you up and subconsciously (or consciously) judging will have something rather than the obvious to think about. Personally, I always have something else I can pick up at the friendly neighborhood Rite-Aid. Trust me, spend the extra money, the guise of normality and the added non-chalantness (just invented that word) to the transaction is just worth it.
Rule #2: Make Eye Contact
Possibly nothing is creepier to the cashier than the person who looks down the whole transaction, mumbling answers, or even worse just playing with his phone refusing to make eye contact. It’s awkward enough, don’t make a lasting impression goddammit.
Rule #3: Don’t Make TOO MUCH Eye Contact
OK, I take that back, the only thing that is creepier than no eye contact is probably too much eye contact. I feel like prolonged eye contact over the transaction will just be taken as a possible signal implying that these condoms may somehow have an impact on the relationship between cashier and customer, which is probably horrifying to the cashier. So yeah, no prolonged eye contact.
Rule #4: Don’t Pay in Exact Change
Swipe some plastic, pay with a $20 bill, whatever you do, don’t fumble for coins. Are you kidding me? This is already awkward as it is, don’t be the guy trying to get rid of his pennies trying to nail the 34 cents left to pay. Pay and get the fuck out of there.
Rule #5: DON’T MAKE A FUNNY REPLY TO “HAVE A NICE DAY”
The cashier is probably saying that because of store policy, or just plain out of reflex. Just please, for the love of all that is holy, don’t try to be funny. It just won’t work. Your “Oh, I will” will not be funny, just REALLY creepy. Just respond with a reflexive “you too” or “thanks”. I cannot stress enough how unfunny you are in this situation. Nothing good can come from this. If it’s a dude, what are you going to do, pound fists and then talk about all the sex you’ll be having? If it’s a girl, do you really think you’re going to pick up a girl at the drug store that you just bought condoms from, whom by the way, unless she’s completely dense, has probably figured out that the intended use for them was with some OTHER girl. Buying condoms is a ‘laughing at you’ situation, not a ‘laughing with you’ one.
In short, they should really teach these sort of things somewhere in your education, but no, they don’t. At least during undergrad they just made it rain contraceptives during any sort of orientation. Welcome to the real world.