So I’m counting down the days till I come back home. Today has been a pretty stressful day for me on a lot of levels. It’s hard to explain how awful something is when you see it on the news and you can’t bear to see it anymore. My parents both called me separately today, which is something that doesn’t happen very often. They usually just put me on speakerphone or trade the handset back and forth. We didn’t talk about anything of substance, just about Christmas gifts, things that we already knew about, and then we said bye. I think at the end of the day, they just wanted to hear my voice, and to be completely honest I really wanted to hear their voices too.
I lack the words to put my repulsion into anything that would be coherent to what happened in Connecticut. It’s anger, a deep biting rage at nothing and everything.
But all of that was wiped away the second I thought of the parents. I ache for them. I want to find a better word than ache, something to describe an unimaginable sadness, the largeness of which overwhelms anything and everything.
I do not believe in god or prayer, but for the first time in a long time, I wish that I am wrong. I hope that somehow, somewhere that some sort of solace and comfort is granted to them.
As I drove back to my apartment this afternoon, a song I hadn’t heard before came on radio and after I parked, I just sat there with the engine running to listen to it:
So show me family
All the blood that I would bleed
I don’t know where I belong
I don’t know where I went wrong
But I can write a song
I belong to you, you belong to me, you’re my sweetheart
I belong to you, you belong to me, you’re my sweet….
Tell your parents you love them.