Wow, I didn’t realize how long of a hiatus that was. Looking back on the past three months, I realized that I haven’t really done anything of note. That’s not really a big knock, it’s a bit depressing, but it’s nothing that bad. I’ve always been a bit of an ass, but I feel in the past three months it’s been a bit unfettered. When I look at myself in the mirror, the person I see isn’t one that I necessarily like. I’ve always had a bit of an ego, and I think that anyone who believes in themselves has an ego. I’ve not always managed it as well as others, and quite often, it’s bitten me in the ass. Through a series of fortunes and misfortunes, the bite is back. I was reminded a while ago about how therapeutic writing can be for me, and I guess this is my way back of sorts.
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with myself. I’ve always said that I’d never commit suicide because I love me too much. I joke that I believe that killing myself would deprive the world of a great resource, but on some level, I believe that’s true. That is the enormity of my ego. On the other hand, you can argue that everyone thinks of offing themselves or wonders if they’d ever get to the point of doing so, but there are times where I truly detest myself. Without going into details, there are certain moments of my life where I make incredibly stupid and ill-tempered decisions, not to mention the way I treat certain people in moments where my emotional sanity is stretched thin. This leads to pretty prodigious amounts of self-loathing and regret that’s accumulated in my mind, some would even say unhealthy amounts.
I say, why not? Use it. I’ve often wrestled with my self-loathing by trying to channel it into something positive, something constructive. That’s the plan. Problem is, halfway through, the positive feelings I get from improving myself deflates the self-loathing that I’ve been using to fuel myself. This lends itself to a not so fun cycle. I guess the goal this summer is to find a way to keep the improvement going, regardless of success. In short, this summer is going to be a grueling mental exercise in constant discipline and upkeep.
Ain’t no rest for the wicked.