I crush easily.
It’s a fact. I’m a daydreamer. I fantasize, I romanticize, it’s just what I do.
By now, I’ve realized that, and I temper myself. I know to just lock it down and let it pass, otherwise I make an ass out of myself. 99% of the time it goes away, the other 1% of the time, I tell myself that I should check it out because it might be the real deal.
Recently though, I think even with that 1%, I’ve been lying to myself.
Every single day, we’re inundated with images of sex, love, or any number of things aimed to stir your amorous emotions. I’d like to think that I’ve built up a certain tolerance to it. I wouldn’t call it cynicism, but it’s a pre-emptive filter on all of that junk. It’s pretty damn solid, but the problem is, that filter doesn’t work so well when you start deceiving yourself.
This thought was pretty sobering when it came down to it. It stemmed from my recent feelings towards a girl. Listen, everything I wanted, it was there. She was bright, not just in the intellectual sense, but just a person that just emanates energy. When you’re around her, you feel like she’s the sun. Amazing laugh, that really sneaky smile that just grows on you, and here’s the kicker that always gets me, she was a genuinely nice person.
[Sidebar: I don’t care what you say, niceness, is underrated. Cynicism and sarcasm is ‘in’ right now, but give me a girl that’s genuinely nice any day. I’m a sucker.]
Now, of course, this sounds amazing. But the brain has a funny way of getting you through the day. It can alter your memories, blank some or make some new ones up. Your brain, when it’s working at its best (or you can argue its worst) is its own psychiatrist. It makes us believe what we want to believe.
And that’s what I realized.
You know, maybe this girl, hell, maybe all the girls I’ve fell for recently, I’ve shoehorned into an idea of who I want them to be. Going back, I realized that for years now, I’ve taken a few traits and extrapolated them into this beautiful idea of who I wanted them to be, so that I could fall for them. I wondered for how long my overactive mind had fallen for these ideas of who I wanted them to be instead of the girls themselves. As a self-professed romantic, that thought sobered me up real quick. The thought kept me up for days. I tried remembering a time when I didn’t do that, and god, it had to be back in middle school. Yes, my mind was still all over the place, but I didn’t try to impose my fantasies on reality. I just took things for what they were, one day at a time.
The next day when I saw that girl, she wasn’t the same person anymore. She didn’t beam, her laugh sounded like any number of laughs in the room. But, she still had that same smile, and as a pleasant surprise, she was still nice. This realization wasn’t some melodramatic wake-up call, but it was a little reminder to just take things as they are, that no matter what, the real person in front of you will always be better than whatever idea of them you had of them in your mind.
Because it’s real. And you never know what comes up next.