It’s 3:07 am, and I’m still up. I’m not out partying, not out drinking, just one of those nights when you can’t fall asleep. I don’t know how it is with anyone else, but any time I’m up after 2 am and it’s not for a reason (hanging out with friends, finishing work, etc.) I get a general sense of melancholy. It’s not bad, it’s not good, I think it’s just my body’s way of telling me to power down and go to sleep. I fight back by turning on Miles Davis in iTunes and writing. As you can see right now, I’m winning that battle.
I always found it funny that people have to be “ready” to go into a relationship, that they have to reach some mystical point to be ready to open themselves up to someone. I think being open is just that, being open. I think whether you’re single or you’re taken, you should be open regardless.
Now, I’ve been single for most of adult life. I have friends who are the exact opposite of me. The total time that I’ve spent in a relationship is the total time that they’ve been single. I guess in some grand cosmic scheme, that’s some sort of balance right? Regardless, I just think there are two different types of people. People who seem to find their equilibrium being single, and people who find their equilibrium being in a couple.
Me, I fall squarely in the single camp.
Basically, what I’m saying, is that my “normal” is being single, while other people’s concept of “normal” is different. I don’t think one is right over the other, I just think that it comes down to personality and how you see things. For me, I hope that one day my normal will be the couple camp, but who knows.
It’s an odd thing, this equilibrium. It sounds arrogant, but I could most likely be in a relationship if I wanted to be. It would be pretty empty though, just a relationship for the sake of a relationship. Sometimes I think that people are in those types of relationships without knowing it. Everyone tells them that they should have a girlfriend or a boyfriend by now, and that being in a couple is the right thing, the fun thing, the better thing. And they accept it, without ever questioning the validity of it. I don’t think that’s really fair to anyone in that situation, but that aside, let’s get to the equilibrium of being single.
I can honestly say, that I enjoy being single. I’m accountable to no one but myself. I guess that’s just always been a thing of mine. I don’t like to be beholden to anyone. I control my own schedule, do my own thing, and no one has any say in it. My obligations are of my own creation. I guess that can be construed as selfish, but I like to see it as clean living. If I want company, I go out and meet people. If I want to try a new place for dinner, I find some friends. The one thing that I’ve been blessed with, is never having a shortage of friends. I will say that alone has made my bachelorhood very enjoyable, just having the time to spent with all my friends.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some times, though very few, when you are just lonely as hell. All of the company in the world doesn’t change it, and whatever situation you try to drum up to distract yourself just doesn’t work. It’s that time when I miss having a significant other. It’s not that I don’t have close friends to talk to, it’s just that sometimes, you need that closeness, that intimacy of a girlfriend to overcome that feeling. At least it is for me. Some people turn to alcohol, to drugs, or some other vice to deal with this. Me? When I find something that works, I’ll let you know.
Does it all balance out?
Honestly for now? Yeah. The 95% of independence of me doing what I want to do is worth the 5% of loneliness. But that’s me, and that’s now. One day, I hope that’ll all change when I meet the right girl. When my “normal” goes from single to couple. I probably won’t notice until it’s too late.
But I’m in no rush to get there.
That’s why “errant” is in front of the word “bachelor”.